By Katie Metcalf
Memior of fight with anorexia
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Extra info for Anorexia: A Stranger in the Family
I wanted the secrets and lies out of me, because I am not the kind of person who likes to lie 48 and have never done it naturally. I hate lying to anyone; I feel terrible about doing it. But at the time, the voice still had control over my thoughts, feelings and everything I did. Therefore lying was part of the game, and more often than not, every second word I spoke was a lie. The sessions were often useful, but they were also sometimes a pain in the arse. I had so many days when I was feeling really low, and Alicia would come in for my session and give me a lecture about how I should try harder and make an effort with ‘battling against the voice’ and ‘eating more’.
It was also a dark reminder of where, if I continued to lose weight, I would end up. Connected to the unit, situated near to the psychologists’ and doctors’ offices, was the ‘School’, where I would spend many an 37 ‘inventive’ half an hour as I got stronger, creating cross-stitch and writing poetry. It consisted of about four rooms, and one lovely, friendly ‘teacher’ called Catherine, with whom I made firm friends. I quietly sobbed as Mum and I packed a suitcase and drove there that afternoon. I apologised over and over again to my Mum for what I had done.
Mum recently has told me that I would often sit and rock backwards and forwards for the entire visiting time, ignoring everything that was happening around me, and when I looked up, my eyes would be wide and wild and my lips moving silently. I was talking to the voice, telling it that I would continue with my weight loss. This would apparently scare my siblings and make my parents cry. Often, visiting times would get very emotional, especially if I’d had a bad day, and I would beg Mum to let me come back home, but in my heart I knew there was no way that could happen.